


who you love

by gayburnout



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: First Kiss, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, dex is sad, they makeout and talk about feelings and shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-17
Updated: 2016-09-17
Packaged: 2018-08-15 11:00:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8053744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gayburnout/pseuds/gayburnout
Summary: first kiss fluff





	who you love

It seems ridiculous that society focuses so much on who you're attracted to and who you love. If my father and mother just hadn't cared about who I loved maybe I wouldn't be currently closeted and drowning in internalized homophobia. I grip the edge of the sink. I couldn't be into guys. It terrifies me to think of what my parents would do. It was HIS fault wasn't it. Derek Nurse. He had just pranced into my life with his stupid "chill" persona and open sexuality and his stupid gorgeous smile and his stupid open sexuality and his stupidly soft hair. I groan in frustration and punch the wall, just narrowly missing the mirror and swearing when pain blooms in my hand and knuckles. The skin has split and it is slowly leaking blood down my fingers. I close my eyes but all I can see was Derek. All I can imagine was the weight of his body between my hips, pressing me into his mattress, or his hands on my hips, or his mouth against mine, maybe laughing into the kiss, or even just being close mentally and physically. I couldn't get him out of my head. "I'm not gay." I whisper out loud. The words roll out of my mouth easily as I had so much practice saying them but they sound forced. Part of me knows that I had never been attracted to girls my entire life but that part had been shut up in a small box in the back of my mind and locked up tight. The cuts on my knuckles from hitting the wall are starting to sting. I wince as I slowly begin cleaning the blood and bandaging my hand. 

I try to block my sexuality and Derek from my mind by shutting him out and focusing only on school and hockey but in my moments of free time my thoughts always seem to stray of the path, to Derek. To his mouth and smile that made me incredibly week in the knees, to his eyes, to his build, to his stupid fucking poetry, to his deep gentle breathing when he sleeps, to his kindness, and to his irresistible personality. There was something else about him that I couldn’t pick out no matter what, and he caused me to crave him physically and emotionally. 

“Hey Dexy, Nursey says as he enters our room, tossing his backpack on his bunk but then flopping down on mine one night after his last class of the day. My stomach twists as he lays stretched out on my bed, eyes gently closed. No. 

“Get off, asshole.” I mutter, shutting him out again and pushing him off my bed none too gently. He lands on the floor with a harsh thud and looked up at me with hurt in his eyes. My brain began racing a mile a minute. I had barely hurt him but why should I care, I’m not supposed to care so much. I curse under my breath and walk quickly out of the room and to the bathroom, collapsing on the floor when I finally reach it. I’m being torn apart. Half of me wants to march right into the room and tell Nursey how I feel but part of me is screaming that I shouldn’t feel this way and that I’m disgusting and terrible for loving him. I bite down on my knuckle hard to muffle the sob that forced it’s way up through my throat. It comes out more as a stifled yell but it’s still loud. No tears form in my eyes I just lie on the ground, dry heaving, feeling nothing but feeling everything all at once. What has he done to me.

\------------------------

"Dex!" Nursey exclaims when the door of the bathroom is finally open after a solid 10 minutes of Derek throwing himself against it. I look up from my spot on the bathroom floor where I'm laying, numb, expressionless, emotionless. "Oh William..." Derek murmurs, picking me up easily and carrying me up to our room in the attic. 

Fear hammers in my chest when I feel the warmth of Derek Malik Nurse laying down next to me. "Wanna talk about it?" He asks softly. Suddenly my throat feels dry and my stomach was churning. Yes Derek, I feel like there's a hand clutching my heart and squeezing every time you speak, I feel dizzy when I see you, and I crave your touch so bad it aches all the time, and I know I shouldn't feel that but it's consuming me and I am terrified beyond imagination.

"No." I force the word through my lips, pushing my turmoil into the back of my mind.

"Suit yourself," Derek climbs out of my bed and up to his on the top bunk. "Just wake me up if you feel anything."

"I'm terrified." I whisper. A sheen of nervous sweat forms on my upper lip as I sat up in bed.

"Of what?" Nursey says, swinging down from the top bunk and sitting cross legged in front of me. I stare at my hands that were still torn from where I punched a wall. "All my life I was told that I should like girls and girls only. I've dated girls I've even slept with one but it felt wrong. I couldn't help but feel only attracted to guys no matter what I told myself. I hate myself for it because that's what I was taught to do." I blurt out, twisting my fingers together in my lap. "And then you just waltzed into my life with all these free thinking ideas and open sexuality and somewhere along the way I realized that I didn't like that you were dating guys it was the fact that you weren't dating me, and god, I just feel so free around you and it's so wrong but I can't help being practically addicted to you." 

Nursey doesn’t say anything for a little while, just gazing at my. My heart begins to pound, all these thoughts running through my head. Does he feel the same? Probably not.

"Just say something." I whisper, my heart in my throat. "Anything."

"I don't think I need to." He replies, gently cupping my face with his large hand and pulling me in for a soft, innocent kiss, only lasting a few seconds before he pulled back. I can't help but move forward as he pulls away, already missing him.

"You don't have to hide yourself." Derek murmurs, resting his forehead against mine, gazing at me in the dim light from his tumblr-esque Christmas lights. "Not from me at least, because there’s nothing wrong with you. You aren’t unnatural, you aren’t disgusting, you’re a human. A human who just loves."

"Derek, I-...I’m..gay" I whisper and a weight that had been causing me to collapse inwards was lifted immediately from my chest. A tear rolls down my check but Derek uses the pad of his thumb to brush it away before pulling me impossibly close and kissing my with a lot more passion than the first.

"I'm so fucking proud of you, Will." he says, pushing me backwards on the bed, letting his weight rest between my hips. My heart is in my throat again but for an entirely different reason. He is holding me, kissing me, only me, and I feel as free as ever with his chest against mine, one hand grasping my hip tightly and the other gently resting in my hair. He is bigger than me, so he practically covers me like a blanket and I can’t get enough of him, his mouth, his body, him. I kiss him back like my life depends on it, running my hands up and down his bare muscled back, his skin smooth and warm against my calloused hands. About two months ago, when I was still in Maine I had accepted my life as dating girls, feeling unfulfilled and uninterested and only getting hard when it came to sex by imagining a man, but here I am, with goddamn Derek Malik Nurse, having the best kiss of my entire life. 

I dig my blunt nails into Derek’s shoulder as I feel his teeth gently tug at my lower lip, begging for more. I oblige automatically, letting my hand run over the stubble on his face. I can already feel beard burn forming around my mouth and I could not get enough of it. Of him. He balanced me out, he’s warm whereas I’m a tiny ice berg, he’s bigger than me while I’m skinny and wiry, he’s calm and it makes my near constant rage subside, he’s open while I’m closed, and I can slowly feel myself opening up to him. 

“I’m gonna wine and dine the shit out of you tomorrow night,” Derek mumbles against my mouth, holding me tighter. “I’m so fucking proud, you don’t need to hide here, especially not with me.” He sits up and gazes down at me and I couldn’t help but gaze back up with an adoring expression.

“Fuck, I’m whipped.” I murmur, reaching up and placing a hand on Nursey’s chest. He cracked a grin and lay down next to me, holding me tightly against his chest.


End file.
